For those of you who don’t know yet

The Coffee Complex was founded after noticing how certain demographics gravitate to particular coffee orders. You may want to believe a person’s coffee order is arbitrary. But there are strong correlations between the type of person you are and the type of coffee you order, just like there are correlations between certain types of people and their choice of clothes or cars. There are outliers, of course. But have you ever seen a tradie order oat milk short mac with stevia? That’s what I thought.

But first, a warning

As a Life’s a Batch reader, I’m sure you’re not politically sensitive. But just in case you are here’s a caveat. I use ‘he’ and ‘she’ as an indefinite pronoun, meaning the description applies to everyone on the gender spectrum. Also, the personas are fiction (sort of). And not meant to be taken too seriously.

Takeaway Cappuccino with 2 sugars

Bruce is driving to work and he’s very hungover.

Why Bruce is hungover

He had his mate Chuck over last night and managed to drink an entire carton.

Chuck is going through a divorce.

Bruce and Chuck’s friendship

Bruce and Chuck go way back, 10 years or so when they both worked as brickies.

They formed an instant connection after Chuck drove his new car to work, a suped-up Subaru with a broken muffler which made the car sound like a vehicle at a drag race.

Bruce thought that was “so choice, aye.”

They were inseparable.

Why Bruce and Chuck don’t see each other much anymore

Bruce started dating Francine. They met at the races.

Francine thought Chuck was a bad influence and forbid Bruce to see him anymore.

She was right, of course. About Chuck being a bad influence.

For several years, Chuck would come over to Bruce’s house every day at 3 pm (straight after work) with a cartoon of Toohey’s Extra Dry (TEDs).

And here Chuck would remain until 11 pm or until the carton was, indeed, dry. Then Chuck would drive home.

Hardly what you’d call a positive influence.

Why Chuck is going through a divorce

Chuck’s wife kicked him out after she found him blowing the family’s weekly wage on the doggies at the TAB—again!

She’s batshit crazy anyway, Chuck said to Bruce over the phone after the TAB incident. Deep down, though, Chuck already knows he’s made a huge mistake.

Chuck asks Bruce if he can stay a couple of nights at his house.

“What about work?” Bruce said.

“A few days off won’t hurt,” Chuck said.

Bruce relented. And so Chuck drove to Bruce’s house. That brings us back to why Bruce is so hungover:

Yes, Chuck did bring a carton of TEDs to Bruce’s house, as well as rum and cokes. Yes, the two of them drank themselves into oblivion. And yes, Francine was furious.

Here is a snapshot of the dialogue from the night with a psychologist’s interpretation of what the person is actually trying to say underneath.

“The misses is a bitch, aye. Kicking me out like that. Bitch,” Chuck slurred.

Psychologist’s interpretation: I miss her. I feel vulnerable and scared. And I’m angry at myself for wasting all that money on the doggies.

“Just give her time, mate. She’ll come around,” Bruce slurred.

Psychologist’s interpretation: Chuck, you’ve screwed up. She’ll never take you back. But I’m worried you will start crying if I don’t reassure your sorry-ass.

Chuck started to cry anyway. Bruce pretended not to notice and went to the fridge to get two more rum and cokes instead. Chuck went to take a sip but misjudged and the liquid ran down his hairy chest. Bruce turned up the ACDC song playing on the stereo. They both nodded to the beat.

“Turn that bloody music off,” Francine shouted from the bedroom. “It’s 1 am. If you don’t turn that racket off I’ll break one of those damn bottles over the both of ya.”

Psychologist’s interpretation: The psychologist believes there was no subtext to this message.

“Bloody women, aye,” Chuck said. “Always on ya back.”

Psychologist’s interpretation: Okay, I’m really scared I’ve screwed up, now. Please reassure me I’m not crazy. It’s women who are crazy, right?

“Probably time to hit the hay, Chuck. It’s late,”

Psychologist’s interpretation: Please go to bed. I’m terrified Francine is going to rip my nuts off.

So that brings us to now

Bruce has to drive 45 minutes to work. He can’t remember the last time he was this hungover. He feels as if his head’s been pumped with that stuff that makes hot air balloons soar into the atmosphere.

He’s halfway to work when he receives a text from Francine.

The text is long and fairly abusive but the gist of it is this:

Francine thinks Bruce is a number of expletives for not cleaning up the 30 bottles of liquor off the dining room table. Also, Chuck is snoring, butt-naked on the couch. Francine can even see his testicles which are touching her new couch pillows and Francine is definitely not happy about that. So if Bruce doesn’t kick Chuck out by the end of the day, then Francine is going to leave instead. FOREVER. Also, she added at the end of the text, “you forgot your high-vis shirt.

Shit, Bruce said. My high-vis. Boss’ gonna kill me.

You see, Bruce is a traffic controller. You know, those people who stand in the middle of the road directing traffic for $100 an hour. And when you’re a traffic controller you have two jobs:

1. Direct the traffic.
2. Bring your high-vis to work.

Bruce will be late to work

Bruce stops off at the service station because he needs a coffee and a breaky wrap. Oh, and he’s about to shit his pants.

He orders a cappuccino with two sugars, of course. He used to only drink Iced Mocha Chills. But then slowly moved to what Chuck calls ‘fancier drinks.’ By fancy, he means coffee made at a servo. Bruce did feel pretty fancy when he ordered a mocha from a barista for the first time. So authentic, he thought.

But now he doesn’t even need the chocolate sauce. He can actually appreciate the coffee now. Hence, the cappuccino with 2 sugars.

Bless him.

While he waits for his coffee, he goes to the bathroom and relieves himself. Relieve is probably the wrong word, actually.

You know those high-pressure firman hoses? The ones that can squirt water 40 feet in the air.

Well, the discharge was more like that.

That’s why he left more skidmarks than Chuck’s Suburu did an abanded carpark in Bogansville that one time.

And what’s worse, Bruce didn’t even clean the dunny bowel, which was an unwelcome surprise for the next patron.

Bruce was never one for cleaning up his mess.

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