For those of you who don’t know yet

The Coffee Complex started after noticing how certain demographics gravitate to particular coffee orders. You may want to believe a person’s coffee order is arbitrary. But there are strong correlations between the type of person you are and the type of coffee you order, just like there are correlations between certain types of people and their choice of clothes or cars. There are outliers, of course. But have you ever seen a tradie order oat milk short mac with stevia? That’s what I thought.

But first, a warning

As a Life’s a Batch reader, I’m sure you’re not politically sensitive. But just in case you are here’s a caveat. I use ‘he’ and ‘she’ as an indefinite pronoun, meaning the description applies to everyone on the gender spectrum. Also, the personas are fiction (sort of). And not meant to be taken too seriously.

The 12 oz Almond Latte in a takeaway cup

She arrives at the cafe between 8 am and 10 am, definitely not earlier because the first Pilates and Yoga classes of the day usually finish around 7:30. She’s very committed. She started the morning routine when her favourite health blogger wrote an article that was titled: Morning Rituals for a Healthier and Happier You: Discover Your Potential. The routine goes like this.

At 5 am, she jumps out of bed, brushes her teeth with plant-based, teeth-whitening toothpaste, and then applies her $120 mineral tinted moisturiser crushed by the hoofs of elephants in a mineral spring in Namibia. She skips to her wardrobe, cheerfully and zingy like the green smoothie with extra lemon sitting in the fridge which she prepared the night before.

5:06 am.

Damn, she’s efficient.

Perhaps the only thing she isn’t efficient at is deciding on what Lu Lu Lemon outfit to wear. She likes the green leggings. But she wore them yesterday. So they're out. At least the dark blue ones are cute too, though.

She drives her Volkswagon to a yoga studio around the corner, which she goes to because her friends from work go there. She likes the classes but if she was being honest she’d say that sometimes she feels slightly unsettled by the environment.

The yoga studio isn’t what you’d call traditional. There’s no Sanskrit or the calming sounds of a Venu. Only a big sign that says, “Namaste Bitchez”. And on a wall, there’s a quote falsely attributed to Rumi which says, “You are beautiful no matter what they say.”

The class is called Super Fast Power Flow Vinyasa, which consists of a series of Sun Salutations to the beat of Katy Perry’s top tracks. But she has to move through the poses so quickly she feels like she’s doing burpees at her F-45 class, not Sun Salutations.

And then there’s Ella Lee Jane, the yoga teacher, who pronounces Shivasana like this: Sheee-var-snah. Ella’s nice. But as already inferred, Ella isn’t what you’d call a traditional yoga teacher. Ella used to party a lot but then went to a retreat in Bali where her central nervous system calmed down for the first time in eight years. And after discovering that you could find contentment from other pursuits than drinking herself into oblivion, Ella stayed in Bali for a 48-hour intensive yoga training course. Hence, the yoga studio.

Though she feels mildly unsettled by the yoga class, instead of grounded, she always thanks Ella at the end. She’s good at that, smiling at Ella despite wanting to throw her green smoothie in her face and tell her that it’s pronounced the way it is bloody spelt: Shi-va-sa-na. She’s thought about changing studios. But then she’d have to practice alone–with no friends.

So instead, she takes big breaths.

After the class, she usually goes with her work friends to the coffee shop around the corner. But today Ella said she wants to come too.

Big breaths and smile, she tells herself.

At the coffee shop, she orders the chia pudding (for high magnesium and low fat) with locally harvested blueberries (for Vitamin B and K). She also adds Spirulina, even though it tastes like dirt from a swamp. She used to eat chia a lot more when she followed Sarah Wilson, the I Quit Sugar lady. But then her partner gave her a study done by a reputable health institution which showed hard evidence that a bag full of $60 a kilo chia has the same health benefits as an apple.

Still, chia doesn’t make her bloated as bircher muesli does. For these reasons, she also orders a big almond latte in a takeaway cup. She used to drink soy but then, in 2017, she transitioned to almond milk because her friend said soy milk mucks with your hormones and, besides, soy curdles. That’s gross. And when she’s having a difficult day, like today, she asks for honey. Just a dash, though.

As you can see, she knows a lot about health. But what she doesn’t know is the almond milk the barista is using is full of additives. Almond milk, after all, is not really milk, but nut juice, which in pure form is merely water sifted through crushed almonds. So to give the texture of milk you got to add lots of fillers. But her health blogger didn’t mention that.

She takes a video and uploads the snippet to Instagram as a Boomerang. “Tuesday mornings with the crew (happy face emoji),” she writes, even though she’s not actually smiling, because she has to listen to Ella blabbering about some date this Friday with a guy called James. Though Ella sees James every day at the gym, apparently, they only organised the date after matching on Tinder. James has a six-pack you could grate a block of manchego on. And the best part is, he’s so kind! Ella goes on about a time she saw him run onto the road to rescue a black labrador puppy. So brave. So caring. Ella jokes about marrying him but everyone knows Ella’s secretly not joking.

Deep breaths.

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