1.

Barista: How’s your day been?

Customer: Good. You?

Barista: Good, thanks. You?

Awkward silence.

2.

Barista: Hey!

Customer: Good.

3.

Barista: Nice day out there.

Customer: Yeah. Hot, though.

(The temperature is 32 degrees Celcius and customer is wearing a nylon suit.)

4.

Barista: Nice day out there.

Customer: Yeah. Cold, though.

(The temperature is 22 degrees Celcius and customer is wearing a crop-top and thongs (flip-flops))

5.

Barista: How are you?

Customer: A flat white, please.

Barista fights back tear.

6.

Barista: How are you?

Customer: I’ve been served.

Barista: Yeah, but how are you?

7.

Customer: What have you been up to?

Barista: Same ol’, aye.

Fucksakes, customer thinks.

8.

Customer: What are you up to today?

Barista: Working.

Crickets in the background.

9.

Customer: You look tired.

Barista sighs.

(It’s 6 am)

10.

Customer: Can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Barista: I know. Year’s gone so quick.

11.

Barista: How was Europe?

Customer: Amazing. Hard to find a coffee before 11 am, though.

12.

Barista: How’s the love life going?

Customer: It’s not.

Barista: Oh.

13

Barista: Going anywhere for the summer holidays?

Customer: Staying here.

Barista: Cool.

14.

Barista: How’s the family?

Customer: They’re good, thank you. (Customer is currently going through a divorce.)

15.

Customer points to the bagel: What’s in that?

Barista: Ahh, let’s see. Bacon, egg, rocket, organic mayo, chilli sauce, avocado, tomato.

Customer points to the banana bread: What’s in that?

Barista: Banana, coconut, almond meal.

Customer proceeds to ask about every food in the cabinet.

Barista explains every food item in detail.

Customer: Mm-mm. So good. Might stick to coffee — just a latte.

16.

Customer: Hey!

Barista: Hey! Long-time no see. Where’ve you been?

Customer: Living overseas for eight years.

17.

Barista: That’s $5.50, including the holiday surcharge.

Customer: $5.50! For a decaf, almond, mocha with an extra shot?

Barista: Yes.

Customer: Sheesh. Coffee’s expensive these days.

18.

Barista: You’re looking great.

Customer: So I was looking shit yesterday?

19.

Barista: Almond Latte, aye. You’ve changed your coffee order?

Customer: Yeah, I’m on that new keto diet.

20.

Barista: Look at you! All dressed up. What’s the occasion?

Customer: Funeral.

Barista: Can you hear that? I think the fire alarm is going off (it’s not).

Barista leaves room.

21.

Customer walks in with moon boot.

Barista: How’s the foot coming along?

Customer: The same as yesterday (When barista asked last).

22.

Customer pays for a single espresso with $100 note.

Barista: Woah, business going well?

23.

Barista: Is that savings?

Customer: More like SPENDINGS, amma right?

24.

Customer picks up coffee on bench: Is this one mine?

Barista: Is your name Derrick? And did you order a long mac with almond milk?

Customer: Names Jenny and I ordered a soy latte.

Barista: Then no.

25.

Customer: Can I get a weak long mac?

Barista: So a latte?

Customer: No, I said a weak long mac. Geeze.

26.

Customer: My other local coffee shop makes my coffee so well. Can you make me one like that too?

Barista: How do they make it?

Customer: Not sure.

27.

Customer: 2 cups of cinos. And 2 mugs of cinos, please.

Barista: What?

28.

Customer: My coffees not hot enough. Can you just heat it up in the microwave?

Barista: I can just make it again.

Customer: No. The microwave’s fine.

29.

Customer: Can I just get a coffee?

Barista: Yeah. What one?

Customer: Umm. Just a coffee.

30.

Customer: Do you do good coffee here?

. . .

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